By Paul Asay
Smash! Blam! Kablooie!
For some of us of a certain age, those were the soul-soothing sounds of Saturday mornings. We'd snuggle up in our footie PJs and with our chocolate-frosted sugary cereal, turn on the telly, and watch hours of delicious, nutrient-free television. Was this stuff good for us? Sure – just the same way our sugary cereals were "part of this balanced breakfast." Our cartoons – and the syndicated weekday animated fare that followed – were as tasty as a spoonful of saccharine, and just as nutrition-free.
Or so it seemed. Looking back, it turns out we learned quite a few valuable lessons from some of our favorite cartoon characters while glued to the tube.
Pour yourself another bowl of cereal, press the arrow key, and take a walk down Memory Lane with us.
Help Those in Distress - Dudley Do-Right
A regular contributor to the long-lived "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show," Dudley Do-Right was as good a do-gooder as ever did a good deed. Outrageously thoughtful, polite, brave, and stupid, the Canadian Mountie rarely rode through an episode without rescuing his beloved Nell from an oncoming railroad train. Or a huge radial saw. Or perhaps from a subprime mortgage scam.
While he may have lived in northern Canada, the chin-clefted, overgrown Boy Scout was perhaps a little too good to be exactly cool. But we can't argue with his sense of right and wrong—and we'd sure rather emulate him than the mustachioed, green-tinged Snidely Whiplash. We only wish Dudley could've wrapped the evildoer in a wad of aluminum wrapping. Then Snidely would really be foiled again.
You Can Be Quiet and Confident - The Pink Panther
The Pink Panther never said much during his animated "The Pink Panther Show." In fact, he never said anything. Never mind the fact that he might, in any given episode, be assaulted by large-nosed neighbors, supercilious narrators, or out-of-control power tools. Nothing ever rattled The Pink One enough to make him squeal. Or, at least, squeal intelligibly.
For the quieter lads and lasses—the children who never raised their hands in class, never were picked first for kickball, and sometimes wore mismatched socks to school—the cartoon Panther may have been an inspiration. Here was a character who always wore pink but never had his manhood questioned. Here was someone who, no matter how many times he tripped over his own tail, survived to see another Saturday morning. Here was someone who never had to say anything to be the coolest cat on the dial.
Respect Your Elders - The Smurfs
Smurf Village is loaded with scads of colorful (i.e. blue) characters: There's Brainy Smurf, who never met a slide rule he didn't like. There's Jokey Smurf, who loves to hand out firecrackers. There's Handy Smurf and Grouchy Smurf and Poet Smurf and scads of other smurfs who represent every personality or professional trait you can imagine. Surely, if the "The Smurfs" were remade today, we'd hear about Blogger Smurf—though we'd never see him because he'd never leave his little Smurf house.
But the only one who seemed to know what he was doing most of the time was Papa Smurf, the bearded, red-hatted patriarch of the whole Smurfin' clan. Whenever something would go awry—as it often did—we could count on Papa Smurf to make everything right again— sometimes through magic, but more often through a little sage wisdom.
Women Can Do Anything - Electra Woman and Dyna Girl
Protagonists of a short-lived segment on The "Krofft Supershow" (the DC-powered duo lasted only one season), Electra Woman and Dyna Girl fought evil with lycra and technology, wielding two of the most formidable wrist-worn crime-fighting devices— called "electracomps"—ever conceived.
But, as nifty as their multifaceted electracomps were ("No! Not the Electra-Degravitate!"), the show's main claim to fame (such as it is) was its campy salute to girl-power—done at a time when most folks assumed that boys were what made the Saturday morning world go 'round. Here were two women who kicked the butt of evil as efficiently as any guy—and who, with their before-its-time Electra-Car, were carbon-neutral to boot.
TV Can Teach Morals - Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids
Back in the 1970s, a lot of parents made a stink about what a values-free wasteland Saturday morning TV was. In response, the networks tried to bring some merit to their cartoon-laden lineups. Some just threw an "educational" label onto their unchanged offerings and left it at that. Others made a valiant stab at bringing some morality to the tube—which is why, in the mid 1970s, the "Super Friends" started telling its audience how to make tie-dyed shirts.
But "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids" was all about morality from the get-go—and the show didn't even need prompting from the networks. Turned out, comedian Bill Cosby's brand of moralizing was a runaway hit, and the show ran for 12 values-rich seasons, exploring everything from skipping school and cheating to violence and racism. You might say the show made hay-hay-hay.
'Knowing Is Half the Battle' - G.I. Joe
"G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero" actually never aired on Saturday morning. Indeed, syndicated shows like "Joe" spelled the end of cartoon-centric Saturday morning TV as we knew it. But while the time slot was different, the vibe was still the same. These soldiers were all about teaching lessons, all right: teaching America's enemies a lesson in respect. Yo, Joe!
But for a show based on a series of action figures, "G.I. Joe" did have some redeeming qualities. After each episode, soldiers would offer a brief public service lesson for its young viewers—what to do if you get lost, what to do if your house is on fire—most of which would invariably end with the tagline, "And knowing is half the battle."
And you thought this show was all about selling toys.
Don't Trust Strangers - Scooby Doo and the Gang
Zoinks! In his decade of 1970s Saturday morning dominance, Scooby and the gang solved more mysteries on "Scooby Doo, Where Are You!" than James Rockford, Colombo, and all six Charlie's Angels combined. Of course, once they figured out the formula, it wasn't all that tough: They always knew the ghost would wind up being a guy in a rubber mask.
The tricky part was to figure out who wore the mask: Was it the creepy gardener who spoke in monosyllabic grunts? Or was it the kindly grandmother who cooked a big pot of stew for the crew? They—and we—were never quite sure until the credits rolled, which proved to telegraph a timely message for kids: Never trust strangers completely, even if they offer you a Scooby Snack.
Materialism Doesn't Pay – The Road Runner
Warner Bros.' "The Road Runner Show" cartoons were a staple on Saturday morning television in the 1970s and '80s. And while the shorts are unquestionably the most violent form of entertainment this side of the "Saw" franchise, they're among the most educational, too.
Wile E. Coyote was the show's primary professor, and he taught his young students dozens of pragmatic lessons: Don't horse around near dizzying precipices. Don't strap yourself to large explosive rockets. Don't paint false train tunnels onto the faces of cliffs. But, through his boundless trust in (and inexhaustible account with) the Acme Corporation, Mr. Coyote also offered an important, if little heeded, message: You can't catch happiness through the accumulation of "stuff," no matter how much of it you buy. Sure, sometimes it'll seem tantalizingly close…but it'll always speed away again with a "beep-beep" and tongue waggle.
Be Nice to Others - Sigmund and the Sea Monsters
It's not easy being green. Or slimy. Or burdened with a bunch of curly, useless tentacles. Just ask Sigmund, the lovable sea monster from "Sigmund and the Sea Monsters" who never seemed particularly comfortable in his own skin.
Sigmund came from a troubled home whose parents really wanted Sigmund to scare things—particularly those loathsome, pink humans. But Sigmund doesn't find humans that loathsome at all—particularly Johnny and Scott Stuart, who kindly hide Sigmund in their playhouse.
Sigmund, who was particularly abused by his brothers, Blurp and Slurp, might well have been the Saturday morning hero of younger siblings everywhere. Sigmund was an underdog everyman— albeit one with fake googly eyes.
The Importance of Teamwork – Superman and His Super Friends
He can fly. He can see through walls. He can breathe underwater, survive outer space and clean the clock of any earthbound being around. As the prime hero on Saturday morning TV, the Man of Steel threatened to turn "Super Friends" into Superman and the Superpips. I mean, is there anyone in the Hall of Justice who can even challenge this guy in a game of chess?
But Superman never got snooty with anyone on the team—even Aquaman, whose (let's face it) ability to talk with dolphins was pretty lame. Superman liked his Justice League pals, and he often needed them, too: Rarely did an episode end without someone whipping out a chunk of Kryptonite. This show taught us this simple but often forgotten truth: Better to have friends than a whole host of super powers.
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